Cat Bathing Martial Arts

Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick

themselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort
in

their saliva that works like New, Improved Wisk – dislodging the dirt

where it hides and whisks it away.

I’ve spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind

believers, I’ve been able to discount all the facts to the contrary
-

the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt

smudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace.

The time comes, however, when a man must face reality; when he must

look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary

and announce: “This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in

Juarez.”

When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some

advice you might consider as you place your feline friend under your

arm and head for the bathtub:

* Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack

  of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength.

  Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don’t
try

  to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase
him.

  Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four
feet

  square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and
close

  the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower.
(A

  simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a

  three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can
shift

  positions.)

* Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the

  skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart
and

  know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls

  tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh

  gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face mask and a long-sleeve
flak

  jacket.

* Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a

  towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket.
Draw

  the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the
glass

  enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are
lying

  on your back in the water.

* Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if
to

  simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually
notice

  your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion
as a

  rule. If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are

  taking part in a product-testing experiment for J.C. Penney.)

* Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival.
In a

  single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the
tub

  enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water
and

  squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45

  seconds of your life. Cats have no handles. Add the fact that
he now

  has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not

  expect to hold on to him for more that two or three seconds
at a

  time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give
him

  another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He’ll then spring
free

  and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The

  national record is — for cats — three latherings, so don’t
expect

  too much.)

* Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this

  part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn
out

  at this point and the cat is just getting really determined.
In

  fact, the drying is simple compared to what you have just been

  through. That’s because by now the cat is semipermanently affixed
to

  your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with your foot,
reach

  for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will
end up

  clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the
best

  thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him
toward

  your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is
a

  simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.

In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg.

He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will

spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become

psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine.

You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn’t usually the

case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your

defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him

a bath. But, at least now he smells a lot better.
d injure you for life the next time you decide to give him

a bath. But, at least now he smells a lot better.