Windows vs. The Borg

“Star Trek Lost Episodes” transcripts.

	
Epsidode 3.1 : Windows vs The Borg


	
Picard: “Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts
at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been
able to access their command pathways?”


	
Geordi: “Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching
through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing
technology.”


	
(Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer
screen.)


	
Riker (looks puzzled): “What the hell is a ‘Microsoft’?”


	
Data (turns to answer): “Allow me to explain. We will send this
program, for some reason called ‘Windows,’ through the Borg
command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will
begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate.”


	
Picard: “But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won’t they alter
their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?”


	
Data:  “Yes, Captain. But when ‘Windows’ detects this, it creates
a new version of itself known as an ‘upgrade.’ The use of
resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg
will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their
processing ability will be taken over and none will be available
for their normal operational functions.”


	
Picard: “Excellent work. This is even better than that
‘unsolvable geometric shape’ idea.”


	
... 15 Minutes Later …


	
Data:  “Captain, We have successfully installed the ‘Windows’ in
the command unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85% of
all resources. We however have not received any confirmation of
the expected ‘upgrade’.”


	
Geordi: “Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage
and CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication
of an ‘upgrade’ to compensate for their increase.”


	
Picard:  “Data, scan the history banks again and determine if
there is something we missed.”


	
Data:  “Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the
‘upgrade.’ Apparently the Borg have circumvented that part of the
plan by not sending in their registration cards.


	
Riker: “Captain we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin
emergency escape sequence 3F…”


	
Geordi (excited): “Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU
capacity has suddenly dropped to 0%!”


	
Picard: “Data, what do your scanners show?”


	
Data:  “Apparently the Borg have found the internal ‘Windows’
module named ‘Solitaire’ and it has used up all the CPU
capacity.”


	
Picard: “Lets wait and see how long this ‘Solitaire’ can reduce
their functionality.”


	
... Two Hours Pass …


	
Riker: “Geordi what’s the status on the Borg?”


	
Geordi: “As expected the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to
compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time
they successfully increase resources I have setup our closest
deep space monitor beacon to transmit more ‘Windows’ modules from
something called the ‘Microsoft Fun-Pack.’


	
Picard: “How much time will that buy us?”


	
Data:  “Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an
interest time span of 6 more hours.”


	
Geordi: “Captain, another vessel has entered our sector.”


	
Picard: “Identify.”


	
Data:  “It appears to have markings very similar to the
‘Microsoft’ logo!”


	
Over the speakers: “THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT
FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED
SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID
ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS TO COMPLY.”


	
Data:  “The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and
released thousands of humanoid shaped objects.”


	
Picard:  “Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft!”


	
Riker: “Good God captain! Those are humans floating straight
toward the Borg ship with no life support suits! How can they
survive deep space?!”


	
Data:  “I don’t believe that those are humans sir, if you will
look closer I believe you will see that they are carrying
something recognized by twenty-first century man as doe skin
leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits!”


	
Riker and Picard together (horrified): “Lawyers!!”


	
Geordi: “It can’t be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent
hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening.”


	
Data:  “True, but apparently some must have survived.”


	
Riker: “They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it
with pieces of paper.”


	
Data:  “I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as ‘red
tape’—it often proves fatal.”


	
Riker: “They’re tearing the Borg to pieces!”


Picard:  “Turn off the monitors. I can’t stand to watch, not even
the Borg deserves that.” 

Picard: “Turn off the monitors. I can’t stand to watch, not even

the Borg deserves that.”