Windows vs. The Borg

“Star Trek Lost Episodes” transcripts.
Epsidode 3.1 : Windows vs The Borg
Picard: “Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts

at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been

able to access their command pathways?”
Geordi: “Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching

through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing

technology.”
(Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer

screen.)
Riker (looks puzzled): “What the hell is a ‘Microsoft’?”
Data (turns to answer): “Allow me to explain. We will send this

program, for some reason called ‘Windows,’ through the Borg

command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will

begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate.”
Picard: “But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won’t they alter

their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?”
Data:  “Yes, Captain. But when ‘Windows’ detects this, it creates

a new version of itself known as an ‘upgrade.’ The use of

resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg

will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their

processing ability will be taken over and none will be available

for their normal operational functions.”
Picard: “Excellent work. This is even better than that

‘unsolvable geometric shape’ idea.”
… 15 Minutes Later …
Data:  “Captain, We have successfully installed the ‘Windows’ in

the command unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85% of

all resources. We however have not received any confirmation of

the expected ‘upgrade’.”
Geordi: “Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage

and CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication

of an ‘upgrade’ to compensate for their increase.”
Picard:  “Data, scan the history banks again and determine if

there is something we missed.”
Data:  "Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the

‘upgrade.’ Apparently the Borg have circumvented that part of the

plan by not sending in their registration cards.
Riker: “Captain we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin

emergency escape sequence 3F…”
Geordi (excited): “Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU

capacity has suddenly dropped to 0%!”
Picard: “Data, what do your scanners show?”
Data:  “Apparently the Borg have found the internal ‘Windows’

module named ‘Solitaire’ and it has used up all the CPU

capacity.”
Picard: “Lets wait and see how long this ‘Solitaire’ can reduce

their functionality.”
… Two Hours Pass …
Riker: “Geordi what’s the status on the Borg?”
Geordi: "As expected the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to

compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time

they successfully increase resources I have setup our closest

deep space monitor beacon to transmit more ‘Windows’ modules from

something called the ‘Microsoft Fun-Pack.’
Picard: “How much time will that buy us?”
Data:  “Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an

interest time span of 6 more hours.”
Geordi: “Captain, another vessel has entered our sector.”
Picard: “Identify.”
Data:  “It appears to have markings very similar to the

‘Microsoft’ logo!”
Over the speakers: “THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT

FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED

SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID

ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS TO COMPLY.”
Data:  “The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and

released thousands of humanoid shaped objects.”
Picard:  “Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft!”
Riker: “Good God captain! Those are humans floating straight

toward the Borg ship with no life support suits! How can they

survive deep space?!”
Data:  “I don’t believe that those are humans sir, if you will

look closer I believe you will see that they are carrying

something recognized by twenty-first century man as doe skin

leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits!”
Riker and Picard together (horrified): “Lawyers!!”
Geordi: “It can’t be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent

hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening.”
Data:  “True, but apparently some must have survived.”
Riker: “They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it

with pieces of paper.”
Data:  “I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as ‘red

tape’ — it often proves fatal.”
Riker: “They’re tearing the Borg to pieces!”
Picard:  “Turn off the monitors. I can’t stand to watch, not even

the Borg deserves that.”

Picard: "Turn off the monitors. I can’t stand to watch, not even

the Borg deserves that."