Rejection Form Letter

This goes out to any woman who’s had to reject any losers. Now there is a form letter to send out.

Dear (name)-

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further
contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the
competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified
candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will,
however, keep your name on file should an opening come available.

So that you may find better success in your future romantic
endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you
were disqualified from the competition:

(Check those that apply)

___ Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it,
    hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.

___ Your first name is objectionable. It's just not something I can
    picture myself yelling out in a fit of passion.

___ The fact that our finest dining experience to date has been at
    McDonald's reveals a thriftiness that I find unappealing.

___ Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms by the
    truckload" indicates that you may be interested in me for something
    other than my personality.

___ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions
    about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.

___ Your breasts are bigger than mine.

___ Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you can FIT into my pants,
    then you can't GET into my pants.

___ You're too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably
    be beaten up repeatedly at recess.

___ You're too tall. I'm developing a chronic neck condition from
    trying to kiss you.

___ You have a hairy back.

___ I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.

___ The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an
    inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.

___ The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often in
    conversation.

___ You still live with your parents.

___ Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of Star
    Trek uniforms a little disconcerting.

___ Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to
    suspect that you are some sort of psychotic stalker.

___ Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I am seeking
    in a long term partner.

___ Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should,
    however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please
    resubmit your application.

___ The fact that you categorize the ProBowler's Tour as "must see
    TV" demonstrated that you do not meet my intelligence requirements.

___ Somehow I doubt those condoms that I found in your overnight
    bag were really necessary for a successful business trip.

___ I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time.

Sincerely,
(your name)

Sincerely,

(your name)