- When you run away in the middle of a perfectly good leg-humping.
- Blaming your farts on me…not funny.
- Yelling at me for barking…I’M A FRIGGIN’ DOG YOU IDIOT!!
- How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn’t all over everything while you’re gone. (Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little like cat butt?)
- Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly who’s walk is this anyway?
- Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose…stop it.
- Yelling at me for rubbing my ass on your carpet. Why’d you buy carpet?
- Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven’t quite mastered that handshake thing yet…idiot.
- How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you’re just jealous.
- Dog sweaters. Have you noticed the fur? Imbecile.
- Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you’re not home.
- When you pick up the crap piles in the yard. Do you realize how far behind schedule that puts me?
- Taking me to the vet for “the big snip”, then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back.
- The sleight of hand – fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain, you nitwit.
- Invisible fences. Why do you insist on screwing with us? To my knowledge, dogdom hasn’t yet solved the visible fence problem!!
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